Blessing

I find that it is not my aim to be thought of as cool by other people, but that my real struggle is to believe that other people find me cool, the way that I find me cool. All of my attempts at acceptance are simply my struggle to bring cohession between what others think of me and what I think of myself. What I usually find is the case, is that when I am happy with myself, I assume that others are happy with me, and that when I am not happy with myself, I assume that others are at least disinterested. Occasionally outside opinions influence my opinions of myself, but because of this reality, the cohession I seek is never found. How subtley wretched! One thing that is tempting for me is to think that others live in their own universe of miserable self-consciousness. This is a reach for comfort since I have no way of knowing what universe others live in. In the end, this only adds to my misery. In one thought have I found comfort, and in this thought alone. And when this thought is accepted as true, then it becomes of no import whether or not I am cool. For my search for self-worth/coolness is the same as my search for this one thought which is self-evidently true before I even thought it. Here it is. I am loved. And I don't have to do anything.